Gettin’ Loki: There’s a Special Kind of Lovin’ There And He’s Gonna Get Him Some…

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Kansas City, Kansas City here I come…
I’ve learned something very important about Loki in our travels.  He’s a horny bastard.
Especially when it comes to fancy towel animals.
“Loki?  Lokes, whatcha doin’ there buddy?”
“LOKI!  DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!!!
Loki’s been loving our trip so far.  Wanna know why?  Because it’s been cold as hell.  I get the feeling his evil Ice Giant ways are what’s keeping us in the Artic Tundra known as the Midwest.  I mean I go on tour, we have the coldest winter known to man.  Coincidence?
So as I freeze off my tender bits, Mister Man here has been having the time of his life.  He learned how to play Cards Against Humanity…
“My Ginger-Haired Charge, I do so enjoy this game.  The name is so enticing…”
And he met Keith Freaking Richards, the lucky bastard…
He even picked up his latest weapon of mass destruction.  “Convenient, that your company carries it to every city you mortals infest.  It’s so simple, two buttons, with my two favorite words emblazoned upon them.”
Yup, life was pretty good for the Loki-meister in Missouri.  I had a hard time explaining to him there were two cities called Kansas, and one of them isn’t even in Kansas, but I digress.
All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Was pretty uneventful leading up to the last day.  Loki was so afraid he was going to let you all down, he started taking pictures with things that were his favorite color…
“The peasants must like me, or they will never enjoy my rule!  Miss Slip of Hay, take a picture with this.  It brings out my eyes.”
And his anxiety gave him fat kid syndrome, which manifested in him eating cheesecake for breakfast.
Why the hotel had cheesecake at breakfast, I will never know.
But as I ventured out for a little sushi in the balmy 50 degree weather (Loki had to withhold me from running down the street naked in my glee,) and we found a lovely mural for him to overtake…
…The unthinkable happened.
Loki, Prince of Asgard, Forgotten Son of the Laufey…conquered Earth.
I narrowly escaped with him only overtaking our planet.  All 9 (YES, EVEN PLUTO,) were accounted for.  But with the cunning of simple human logic, I was able to save them.  I only regret, for our sakes, that I had to make the ultimate sacrifice.  May god have mercy on my soul.
As I shed a singular tear for our enslaved planet, I made a vow.  An eternal vow to you all, dear readers.  He may have power over us now, but I promise, nay, I shall devote my existence to making sure we are not crushed by his iron fist of madness.
I’ve got my work cut out for me.
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