Happy Friday the 13th, everyone! This is one of the best holidays. It comes at different times every year, so it’s like a little surprise, a treat that comes when you least expect it. All the other days around it, you find yourself praying to your spirit animal, chanting in foreign tongues to please get you through the day, amirite?
But what about our favorite freaks? The things that go bump in the night? What gets them through the other days of the year? Let’s break down a few of our favorite killers and see what kind of spirit animal gets them through the daily trudge.
Jason Voorhees (Friday The 13th) – Great White Shark
It goes without saying that we should start with the man of the hour. And what a more fitting description is there than Jaws? The dead, black eyes, the thirst for blood, strong family bonds and a penchant for jumping out of the water to get onto boats and cause horrifying mayhem. Like two peas in a pod.
Necronomicon (Evil Dead) – Chihuahua
The ancient book of the dead is small and compact, stuffed beyond capacity with energy that is hellbent on destruction and survival. It may be little, but when threatened will grow beyond its physical form into a yapping, cacophonous whirlwind of pain and suffering. You will want nothing more than for the thing to shut up, but it knows that. It knows that, and that is why it will continue laughing in your face and otherwise making your life hell until you succumb to its every desire. That’s right, go get the ball, bitch.
Samara (The Ring) – Electric Eels
Of course Samara is a water creature, seeing as she lives in a well. But she is a child, and children love Disney. Why not a little Flotsam and Jetsam? Her grace and fluidity can only come close to the movements of a creature who has a little spring in their step, who isn’t afraid of adding a little spark to the proceedings, and is comfortable with electricity. Meeting any one of these precious angels would be sure to be a “shock.”
Reverend Kane (Poltergeist 2: The Other Side) – Hairless Cat
This crazy religious freak was so pious his spirit came back from the dead to torture poor Carolanne and Co in “Poltergeist.” He did so looking like a sun-bleached skull with one two hairs left on his head. To look at him was always uncomfortable, and his eyes were filled with nothing but judgement and hatred. Yup, sounds like a cat to me.
Michael Myers (Halloween) – Tribble
Because when you steal the great Captain Kirk’s face, something of his is bound to stay with you. And if there’s anything harder to get rid of than a deep space STD, it’s a tribble. And hey, tribbles just want to be loved…they are very family-oriented, as they are born pregnant, and like Myers himself, are pretty much impossible to kill.
Pinhead (Hellraiser) – Praying Mantis
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Stephanie, this one is easy. He looks like a porcupine already, let’s just get this over with.” But where is the sport in that? No, the noble Pinhead deserves better than being judged merely by his face. Our favorite Cenobite does love his pious inspirations when it comes to his fashion choices, and we all know how he feels about the fine line between pleasure and pain. Frankly, if a praying mantis’ idea of a good night is getting laid and then either a) getting their head eaten, of b) eating their partner’s head, I call this comparison a match made in heaven.
Katie (Paranormal Activity) – Grumpy Cat
I rest my case.
Freddy (A Nightmare On Elm Street)– Hallucinogenic Toad
Let’s face it, if you’re seeing Freddy, you’re seeing some weird shit. Knives for fingers aside, you are seeing tongues come out of telephones, super-stretch arms, blood geysers, people growing out of TVs and worse. Not to mention that both Freddy and toads don’t have the best of skin conditions. Don’t be mad Freddy, I’m just tellin’ it like it is!
Otis B. Driftwood (The Devil’s Rejects) – Fox
He’s lithe, he’s sly, he’s a little sexy…and he does love to see those rabbits run. Otis is a prime example of lethal power in a compact package. He’s nothing but coiled up springs ready to pounce at any given instance, and he’s out to survive. So here’s a little advice – stay out of his sights.
Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) – A Bag Of Pork Rinds
Because let’s face it. This boy loves his pork products, and there are only so many masks you can make before you get bored.