I totally dig these cities with all their weird street signs.
So let’s be real. I dropped the ball in Portland. There was much of the rain, and it’s hard to take a pic and hold a Loki while holding an umbrella. But me and Loki did manage to adventure, and Portland was pretty damn cool. Loki didn’t quite know what to make of it, so Portland, you won a bit of a reprieve. We’ll have to return at a later date to conquer you properly.
We arrived in Portland in a hair dryer.
Straight up propellers, y’all. And our whole group couldn’t fit on one plane. We had to take two trips.
We lunched with legends.
And then immediately regretted it, because there are so many food trucks in Portland that they could feed 3 third-world countries.
I tell ya, Portland had the best cheap food ever. The best coffee I got was this iced latte with handmade vanilla syrup from Courier Coffee, which may have looked like a vacant room but served up perfection:
And then there was Sizzle Pie next door. Delicious. I got “The Ol’ Dirty,” which was salami, ricotta, pepperocinis and olive oil. And greasy angel’s dreams.
Hey, it was better than the solar-powered Domino’s across from the hotel. Yes, you heard what I said. We took a picture, but it’s pretty blurry. Portland is definitely both a city of the future, and a city that is righteously aware it is a city of the future.
We also came across the majestic Demon Fork of Oregon. Or that’s what Loki named it, anyway. He decided he would pluck this from the stone earth in which it had been forged and use it to decimate any rebellious spirit that might rise against him.
The man tried to get us down, but Loki knew how to deal with him. He simply called him refuse and turned him to stone.
We discovered that this particular “The Man” had been terrorizing Portland for some time. The locals instantly began to fall to their knees in gratitude, relieved tears rolling down their faces as they thanked the puny god and explained how they had been fighting the tyrant and those like him with various collection campaigns in the form of seemingly harmless tip jars around the city.
I’ll give it to Lokes, he was a patient and generous ear. If he wasn’t a deluded, whiny bastard with a daddy complex I might even hazard to say he wouldn’t be too bad of a ruler, or at least minor lobbyist on Capitol Hill. He bequeathed them these frightful warriors, in honor of Mark “Sumo” Sagato, to protect them from further terrorism until his return.
After this we visited Powell’s Books, so as his highness could do some research on this city in order to make it his next conquest. It was truly a book nerd paradise. It had new books, used books, weird socks, art…
It even had a drag queen with a bird’s nest on his head perusing the children’s book section.
God bless you, Portland. And thank you.