Velocipastor is the single greatest B movie since Deer Woman. There, I’ve said it. Velocipastor is a ninja-filled, dino-slasher, semi-Catholic action film. Priest Doug Jones sees his parents brutally murdered in a car bombing. Cut to him trying to find himself in China (which is definitely North America) with subtitles that say China. After accidentally cutting himself on basically a dinosaur tooth, he becomes THE VELOCIPASTOR. With the help of a (former?) sex worker, Carol, Doug makes it his mission to take down the Catholic Ninja crew that is trying to sell drugs in his city.
You guy, you guys, I can’t make this up. It was so horrifically bad, it was excellent. I laughed out loud no less than ten times and now I’m contemplating finding if someone makes Velocipastor t-shirts. My favorite part was when they filmed in an area that was most definitely not China, put the title China over the screen and then emphasized it by having the pastor announces “China.” This is immediately followed by a woman getting shot with an arrow and the pastor announcing “are you hurt.” Sir, she is gushing blood down the front of her Gi. She is most definitely hurt.
If you don’t come for the older priest having an unnecessary Vietnam flashback, stay because Voltaire (the goth guy, not the French guy) is trying to complete a seance/exorcism (no one seems sure which). Oh, and you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a dinosaur claw rip off a plastic head.
Do it for yourself. Do it because you love dinosaurs. Do it because the producer doesn’t seem to know the difference between the Catholic Church and the Church of Christ. You owe it to yourself to watch Velocipastor.
Velocipastor is available August 13, 2019.