Ideas for Caring/Supporting Others while ‘The World Sucks’

Ideas for Caring

To say we are in challenging times would be an understatement on a good day during this Blursday era. We’re all doing our best, the best we can, to hang in there and manage to do at least the basics of self care. On top of that, some of us also want to provide care/support for others. Generally, there isn’t right or wrong here, as it is up to each individual and their person (person(s) for whom they care or support); where either of you are in terms of geography, current headspace, needs, skills, abilities, etc. Most of us want to help but don’t always know how and it can sometimes paralyze us due to the fear of messing up. Below are some “Don’ts” from my perspective and experiences followed by some alternatives to help get you started. Note that while some of this covers those who are grieving, this could also be applied to: depression, burnout, and similar situations.

Managing Grief

Below are some background resources you can use: 

• Stop saying ‘sorry for your loss’- article. 
• Things no one tells you about grief- video. 

Don’t: 

• If your person recently lost a loved one, don’t ask them “how are you/how are you doing?” If you do accidentally slip that out, apologize immediately and move on. They know you mean well or ask it automatically (after all, it is part of normal dialogue, with a “hi, how are you?”), but it can be a trigger of anger/rage and feels extra insensitive for a while. They may not necessarily express said anger or annoyance with you, but it is often there. Assume the answer is “not OK.” This is your starting point of the elephant in the room. 
  • Instead: Remind them that you love/care about them and are always there. They know you are there if/when they want to talk, so you can just periodically let them know you love them or are thinking about them. This is in combination with giving the person a certain amount of space to go through what they need to and process, while reminding them they aren’t alone.

So, what can you do to support? Below are some ideas for any types out there, based on your capacity or skill, etc. Or headspace: 

1. 1. Active listening is generally helpful. Part of it can also be paying attention even to what isn’t said, or what you notice about where your person is emotionally or mentally. This can be challenging in some cases and easier in others. Part of active listening is knowing when to ask “how can I help?” However, keep in mind that depending on the headspace of your person, they may not know how to answer this, because they may not even know what they need at all at a given moment. Examples of these types of situations are initial stages of grief or shock. The person can be rendered mute to some degree, or be suffering from a certain level of PTSD, etc.

   2. Reassure your person that things might not make sense and be confusing, but everything they are thinking and feeling right now are completely normal and expected. That said, if you notice they seem to be spiraling down a rabbit hole with thoughts, like with guilt and counterfactual thinking (thoughts about alternatives to past events or the present that are contrary to what actually happened. They generally focus on what might have been or could be versus what was/is), try to gently suggest things like speaking to their primary physician (they may need to consider medications to help get through a stage, whether antidepressants or something to help with sleep) or encourage them to consider speaking to a therapist to work through what they are doing through.

   3. Try not to give silver linings to grief. It just hurts sometimes, and it sucks, and your person doesn’t care if it now gave them the time/ability to make a perfect sourdough, and they would willingly give it all up and more just to have their loved one back. Understand that sometimes, stuff doesn’t mean the same thing that it used to for that person, at least for now. For example, they may lose interest in former hobbies or pastimes.

When recognizing your own headspace while trying to be there for a person, know that your ability to provide support (and the type) can vary greatly, and that’s OK. Depending on what you are going through or have, you will also be able to be in a better position for certain types of support than others, or some days or times, you just won’t be able to give anything, and that’s OK. Emotional support can be most draining for some, especially if they are dealing with a heavy load themselves. 

Using Practical Advice/Assistance as a Method for Grief Management

Practical advice can be a little easier at times because you manage to give them pro tips when your person may not know what to say or ask, etc. For example, even telling your person to keep tissues around in every room possible can be helpful, as well as knowing to anticipate their needs, such as, “hey. If you have sleep issues, I’ve tried X/Y/Z and look out for this or that with it.” It can be helpful to remind our persons there is no normal and it is OK not to be OK, so to know to “accept the suck” and keep going the best they can. This is in reference to not judging what they are feeling or how their struggles with coping are manifesting. In this sense, the idea is to validate their experience as normal and expected/understandable, however crappy, and the notion of what is and isn’t OK during this time for coping is somewhat impractical, because it’s all it’s all acceptable as long as it doesn’t involve harming themselves or others. 

Tips I’ve gotten from friends have included: 

• “expect an existential crisis” so it didn’t come as a surprise
• “it will always hurt/you will always miss them, but some days will be easier” 
• “make a list and try to do one thing each day from there. If you manage a shower, on some days, that is also an accomplishment.”
• Other ideas include encouraging your person to journal in order to channel their thoughts out of their head (also proven technique to help with depression) and reminding them to eat. 

Remember that sometimes, you won’t know what to say, and that is completely valid. That’s because sometimes, there are no words, even if you wish there were. A friend said this to me, and I found myself repeating the spirit of it to another friend when there was another loss in that family this year. Because that sounds better than FFS, so “there are no words at this point. Sending our love…” was the best I could muster. It wasn’t eloquent by any stretch of the imagination, but that was all I had the capacity to say, if anything, and it would have to do. Remembering the goal is mainly to just remind them that you love them and are thinking of them is, and needs to be, enough sometimes. 

“…But Shirley, I (like you) am currently a robot and don’t know how to help with feels or all that, and words are hard, but I still want to be there somehow!” I got you, too. For grief, while tradition will say send flowers or plants, I will say that is a touchy idea because of allergies, preferences, space, and flowers/plants can be depressing sometimes to some people. Below are ideas for other support methods: 

• If your person is in the U.S., you can consider an Edible Arrangement or platter or box (because it is pretty and forces them to eat something relatively healthy when they have no appetite). As I have learned, this isn’t an option everywhere (missed market, people!), so there are fruit baskets as a more traditional approach in places like the UK. Some other options included (but are not limited to):
  • Ordering groceries for your person, particularly things that require no cooking or prep, and might even be portion-sized, because this anticipates needs before the person has the excuse to not bother. There are a few approaches with this idea, the first could be to ask your person about what they might want and give them a heads up. My personal approach is to just come up with what I would think would be easy, fast, and not require much thought to consume. Ideas for this include:
    1. 1. Refrigerated soups
       2. Smoothies
       3. Juice
       4. Cold cuts/smoked salmon
       5. berries/fruits
       6. cherry/grape tomatoes
       7. portioned ice cream/fruit lollies
       8. cheese slices/pieces/sticks
       9. chips (AKA crisps in the UK)
       10. fun-sized chocolates
       11. baked goods (such as muffins, brioche, croissants, rolls, cookies/biscuits)
       12. pasta salad
       13. fried chicken
       14. frozen pizza
       15. tea, etc.

    Yes, ordering groceries from/for overseas is an option as well in some cases/stores.

  • Using Amazon. The logic behind this part is that it removes the thought and effort required behind eating and forces them to have one less thing to worry about as they deal with the rest, at least for now. Expiration dates for foods can provide a certain sense of obligation to make some effort to meet those and can be a build in method of one aspect of self care. This can be applicable to situations of grief, burnout, depression, etc.

Don’t:

• Don’t assume mourning or grief is over after this initial stage (week/month/funeral/memorial). While rituals or customs can bring some comfort with the structure to some, closure can work very differently, and those left behind may still struggle for some time. 

• • • You can do things such as reminding them to eat or checking if they did, or, are even having weekly/periodic food prep sessions to provide logistical support with this. This can be helpful if there is an attentional issue (like during burnout) or skill (new cooks who should be supervised), and it allows for some bonding even remotely during these times of social isolation (thank goodness for video calls). Try some of the following: video chats, check ins, movies or shows together, happy hours, company while doing ordinary things

   

  • Regarding customs, these can be very personal and differ greatly between and within different cultures and religions. When in doubt, ask your person about these. However, there might be times you won’t necessarily agree with these customs, but remember that it isn’t your journey or choice with how others grieve. As such, be sure to respect these as your person’s choice for observing how they see fit. 

This is by no means exhaustive, but whatever we can do to ease some burden off our people, right?